A Sexualised Life – post 10 – On Tenderness, Affection and aftercare.

On Tenderness and Affection and aftercare.

Just because love is no longer the core of my sex life does not mean that tenderness and affection are not a huge part of my relationships!

I come from the BDSM community the term which best expresses this is ‘aftercare’, which actually means caring for each other, before during and after having erotic sexual enjoyment in a Sub/playDom role playing situation.

And this process is all about tenderness and affection!

Aftercare seeks to reassure each partner that all is well and tries to prevent stresses and fears of failure building up, as well as attending to the possible physical after effects of whips or paddles or bindings that have left marks.

After care is a period of recovery in which to mutually attend to emotional as well as physical needs of both partners in a caring and sharing way.

It is necessary in part because our sexual fantasies don’t necessarily mirror who we are in our normal lives. A Sub may be dominant in real life and Dom may not be particularly assertive outside role playing!

So each partner may need treating differently outside the role playing scenario. But even if they do align with their public personas, there are other issues to be taken into account in order to normalise relations and come down from highs, or counter a sense of loss after the sexual fantasies have been played out to climax, or not in some cases!

The feelings immediately following a role playing session (‘sub drop,’ or ‘dom loss’) can leave one or both partners with feelings of exhaustion, weakness and even disorientation. This isn’t always the case, or for all people, but it needs to be thought of discussed and acted upon if it does occur.

Aftercare, both physical and emotional, needs great sensitivity, and tenderness from both partners!

Physical aftercare includes removing restraints or blindfolds, and gagets reassuring your partner, making sure they are warm, kissing and/or caressing any part of the body which may have been marked. Above all, it’s about providing affection and comfort in a calm atmosphere.

This should also include humour and laughter. Without this it is harder to talk honestly and cope with anydifficulties that arise, since the ability to laugh at ourselves and with others, is a crucial part of being relaxed, open and honest with each other.

Many of my partners have enjoyed giving and receiving an intimate massage. A shared bath or shower is also fabulous allowing both partners to share in an, intimate, relaxing and cleansing experience.

Emotional aftercare involves discussing how the session went and how both partners feel about it, expressing both positive and negative thoughts. This process is vital for deepening the relationship and supporting each others needs and expectations. It also allows both to reassure each other that their kinks were not weird or perverted. That way any lingering negative feelings of inadequacy and failure can be shared away.

Not everone requires aftercare, but most, including me, do. At the very least a kiss and cuddle should be engaged in in my view. And any serious issues raised should be continued over future days if necessary!

It’s incorrect to assume that aftrcare is exclusively something a Dominant must give to a Submissive! Dom’s can suffer similar feelings of emotional drop and inadequacy in their performance and can require care and reassurances by their partners.

All of this has been central to my recent, and past relationships and continues to be! So while love is not the aim of my erotic sexual affairs, affection and tender aftercare lies at the very heart of my love making!

A Sexualised Life Part 2 – Rescued by my Erotic Arts.

In part one I recounted the basics of my sexualised life as a mixture of urgent need and particular sexual tastes.

In this second blog post I need to concentrate on how I have been able to control and live with this situation in recent years at least!

This is because for the first time in my life I have found an outlet for my sexual energies which allows me to keep the cravings at bay and function without the cravings dominating my life and relationships.

The answer has been my art, specifically my erotic art.

Since the early 2000s I have been creating digital erotic art and have discovered that if I pour all my sexual drives and fantasies into this art, the constant cravings become muted and I can, for the first time in my adult life, function in society as a relatively normal guy, without the need to view female company, or images of the female form as an urgent turn on.

It was a revelation to me as this process unfolded. It soon became apparent that there is, in fact, a higher and more powerful drive, or at least equally powerful drive, in me than my sexual cravings and my drive as an artist!

As my erotic art has developed and deepened, with a recent move to cross dressing as performance art, I have been able to more-or-less completely divert my sexual energy into celebrating the female form in erotic lingerie and bondage.

This does not mean that it is totally under control, of course. But it does mean that I am not driven by my sexual desires in the way I was before. I still seek sexual relationships with submissive women if they approach me, but I no longer allow my sexual self to dominate my mind in the way it did in the past.

As such my art has allowed me the most joyous period of my adult life, in which I am no longer under the control of my libedo most of the time! My art also brings great pleasure to others and to me it brings relief and an inner calmness that I have never known before.

And it has also deepened my self-knowledge, allowing me to see the reasons I became on thrall to my sexual drives and how they came close to destroying my life at times.

In my next blog post I will say more about art as a form of sexual therapy as I experience it and how the dangers of balancng multiple relationships added to the attractions.

Erotic English Guy

Memoir of a Sexualised Life – What Exactly is a Sexualised life?

I was 14 and pubity was starting. Not that I was aware of that concept. But from the moment my hormones kicked in I awoke every day with a raging hard on. No wet dreams were necessary. It just happened with no knowledge or stimulus. And it still does every morning.

This was the first sign of what was to become an extremely Sexualised life!

What is a Sexualised life?

In my case it has two main aspects!

The first part consists of a ceaseless background need to obtain sex almost every waking moment of my life, which becomes urgent the moment an attractive woman is anywhere close by, or I am viewing images of beautiful woman.

This may sound like a normal sex drive, which most people master and control in order to live the rest of their lives working and raising children. But believe me, or not as the case may be, my libedo is nothing like that of most people!

Mastering it would require turning off my entire mind-body pleasure seeking system. Believe me, I’ve spent my life trying and at times succeeding in doing that. But for every period of holding the libidinous line there has been an equal period of wreckless abandon when I have bent to my ‘nature’ and sought out sexual pleasures at almost any cost. To do otherwise would have driven me insane with lust.

Even when involved in exotic BDSM affairs, sometimes more than one at the same time, I still needed to masturbate at least twice a day, a dramatic sign of my over sexualised self. As I said, it’s my misery as well as my joy! But to get the joy, which is my compulsion, I have to experience the pain of being unfaithful and telling as many lies as the main character in Breaking Bad to cover my tracks.

The second aspect is best explained as an equally urgent response to erotic cloths, specifically latex, pvc silk, lace, and satin, and to forms of bondage restraint, both on me and by me on others. I get a huge sexual boost on top of my already highly libidinous system from women wearing lingerie and killer heels, or wearing these myself, as well as placed in hoods,w gags blindfolds and various forms of binding,leather especially leather, or latex straps, or satin ribbons.

Being bound by women, or binding women in sensual erotic clothing has been an urgent necessity for me to fully enjoy sex since I discovered the BDSM movement in London in my late 20s.

Adding these two features together, vis an urgent need to have sex, basically being permanently horny, with an equally urgent need to wear and be tied, or tie and gag my submissive women partners in a variety erotic materials, to which should be added a love of cross dressing, and you have my joy and misery as an extremely higly sexualised individual!

The ramifications of this for my two marriages have been truly awful as far as sexual fidelity are concerned!

In both cases I was and am a good husband, kind, loving, pleasant, caring and sharing all the burdens of married life together.

But sexually I have been serially unfaithful to both my wives with affairs with dozens of women, in the early years as a submissive, and in more recent years as a Dom Master.

That’s all for now much more to come!

Erotic English Guy