On Tenderness and Affection and aftercare.
Just because love is no longer the core of my sex life does not mean that tenderness and affection are not a huge part of my relationships!
I come from the BDSM community the term which best expresses this is ‘aftercare’, which actually means caring for each other, before during and after having erotic sexual enjoyment in a Sub/playDom role playing situation.
And this process is all about tenderness and affection!
Aftercare seeks to reassure each partner that all is well and tries to prevent stresses and fears of failure building up, as well as attending to the possible physical after effects of whips or paddles or bindings that have left marks.
After care is a period of recovery in which to mutually attend to emotional as well as physical needs of both partners in a caring and sharing way.
It is necessary in part because our sexual fantasies don’t necessarily mirror who we are in our normal lives. A Sub may be dominant in real life and Dom may not be particularly assertive outside role playing!
So each partner may need treating differently outside the role playing scenario. But even if they do align with their public personas, there are other issues to be taken into account in order to normalise relations and come down from highs, or counter a sense of loss after the sexual fantasies have been played out to climax, or not in some cases!
The feelings immediately following a role playing session (‘sub drop,’ or ‘dom loss’) can leave one or both partners with feelings of exhaustion, weakness and even disorientation. This isn’t always the case, or for all people, but it needs to be thought of discussed and acted upon if it does occur.
Aftercare, both physical and emotional, needs great sensitivity, and tenderness from both partners!
Physical aftercare includes removing restraints or blindfolds, and gagets reassuring your partner, making sure they are warm, kissing and/or caressing any part of the body which may have been marked. Above all, it’s about providing affection and comfort in a calm atmosphere.
This should also include humour and laughter. Without this it is harder to talk honestly and cope with anydifficulties that arise, since the ability to laugh at ourselves and with others, is a crucial part of being relaxed, open and honest with each other.
Many of my partners have enjoyed giving and receiving an intimate massage. A shared bath or shower is also fabulous allowing both partners to share in an, intimate, relaxing and cleansing experience.
Emotional aftercare involves discussing how the session went and how both partners feel about it, expressing both positive and negative thoughts. This process is vital for deepening the relationship and supporting each others needs and expectations. It also allows both to reassure each other that their kinks were not weird or perverted. That way any lingering negative feelings of inadequacy and failure can be shared away.
Not everone requires aftercare, but most, including me, do. At the very least a kiss and cuddle should be engaged in in my view. And any serious issues raised should be continued over future days if necessary!
It’s incorrect to assume that aftrcare is exclusively something a Dominant must give to a Submissive! Dom’s can suffer similar feelings of emotional drop and inadequacy in their performance and can require care and reassurances by their partners.
All of this has been central to my recent, and past relationships and continues to be! So while love is not the aim of my erotic sexual affairs, affection and tender aftercare lies at the very heart of my love making!