Ignore My Last Post!: It’s Lust, Not Love, That Dives Me Now
In my last post I argued that as a highly sexualised person I was still capable of loving my partners in varying degrees, and I even claimed that I actually love too much, becoming infatuated by my multiple and consecutive partners, and caring too much for them for my own good!
However, after reflection overnight and speaking now as the old guy I am, aged 69, I now see clearly that today I seek out my sexual liasons chiefly out of lust.
This is party due to physical age and condition, in the sense that although I still have reasonable good looks and a slim body, time is running out for me and that at some point in the not too distant future my looks and my body will fail me!
So there is a new urgency now to fit in yet more exciting and interesting sexual partners, while my body remains sufficiently attractive and my sexualised mind is alert!
But this is also related to a recognition that as I have grown older I have spent most of my loving emotional capital on past affairs and on my wife Su!
As a result I feel that my recent affairs are much more transactional than they once were! I still need to like and respect my partners, but I don’t have, in any way, to be in an infatuated form of love with them!
I have parked my love and emotional capital with Su and my most significant past affairs, most especially my 1980s partner Sarah who committed suicide in 1996. So while I may no longer able to get sexual satisfaction from Su, in all other respects, and especially in terms of what love is for me, she is my core and my rock!
So I seek out sexual partners to largely to explore and enjoy their bodies and dirty minds and do not invest my energies in deeper emotional ties!
We are there to fuck in the most pleasurable ways we can imagine and invent! We are their to laugh and joke and be friends! But we are not there to love each other!
Was this always so, I wonder? Was my previous blog post simply an intellectual smoke screen for my purely lustful motives and drives?
The answer is that I don’t know the answer.
I may have underestimated the lustful side of my motives in my previous post. But my feeling is that until the last few years I was often driven by a loving infatuation with my new partners, rather than purely by my lustful side.
I have lost touch with every single sexual partner, aside from my present wife and current mistress! If I hadn’t done so, as a good social scientist I would have sent a questionnaire to each and every one of them, asking them to rate me on a scale of 1 to 10! 1 being a lust filled sociopath and 10 a completely loving man.
I would hope, assuming that any of them remember me, that I would rate at least six out of ten for being a loving and caring as well as lust filled sexual partner. But there is no way now to confirm, or deny, this belief.
However, I am almost certain that all my recent partners would say that relations resembled a friendly business deal to maximise sexual pleasure rather than emotional touchy-feelie affairs!
So, on those grounds, my affairs of late have all been largely the result of lust, rather than love.